Recently I have had to sort of reinvent myself. Last year I just shut down, so I started seeing a psychologist. She ripped me wide open and took everything out: values, behaviors, memories and I even took some stuff out myself. But now I am not sure what should go back in, what belongs in there and what was just a construction to conform. In reality this means that I am currently trying to act primarily on my instinctive feelings, trusting my gut and heart. But being so unsure of who I really am and perhaps unused to being that person—that leads to a lot of self loathing and mistrust on choices made and feelings felt. For my core values I wanted things that encompass me truthfully, I am not sure they all count as core values, per se. But they are doing *the proverbial job* of helping me navigate this weeks challenge.
Research & Analysis
- righteous
- analytical
- vulnerable
- fragmented
- integrity
- selfish
- calm
- control
- intuitive
- ethics
- knowledge
- isolated
- learning
- time travel
- temporality
- strange
- interrogative
- layered
- references
- clear
Moodboards
Strange. I wanted to use this task to take control over one of my primary core values that was forced upon me as a kid and never let go: strange. It has caused me so much pain, feeling different. When in reality I was just amongst people who could not see and accept me for what and who I am. This naming of me as strange primarily comes from the way I talk: fast, sometimes loud, using a lot of references –connecting subjects, interlacing thoughts verbally, finding a conclusion for an analysis from a film in a music record, and so on. Sometimes that went too fast and the connection didn’t hold. When it didn’t someone would let me know by naming me strange, or just tell me to hold back. I internalized this, and lived in others perception of me. Adjusting to not be perceived as strange, thinking up until last year that it mattered. When it most certainly does not. Thinking about this now, processed and as a grown up I think this can also be an extension in the old perception of women as the madonna/whore complex, but what that false dichotomy translates to in modern time is basically that women can’t contain multitudes. And when we do, we’re strange. Or some other derogatory term. Now, exploring what is strange and making those connections, just visually now, rather than verbally, is one of the stronger themes in much of my work.
Control is about controlling the narrative, dictating the truth. It is also about unhesitantly being your full self and never being embarrassed of that person. Control in graphic design is one of its more powerful tools, to lead, direct and decide others perception of the work and person. And as Regular Practice mentioned in the lecture “If you are not going to take efforts to visually represent yourself–other people will”.
Time travel is about multilayered references, connecting layers of meaning creating perception and ways of interpretation. Something I include a lot in my work as a graphic designer. That is basically the foundation of what my practice is built upon. For me the Leviathan is time travel, it’s a biblical chaos monster, but also an ideological metaphor in Thomas Hobbes book from 1651, where it served as a very positioned and political text—questioning the church, discussing contractualism etc. The Leviathan is a favorite…. thing for me. Allowing, in its contradictions and historical use as reference and metaphor. I want to use that in my work and in this task as a metaphor for me, when I connect meaning across time to make a contemporary point or transfer a feeling.
Calm — Being calm is about approaching obstacles with calmness, not letting others take control of my narrative. It is often also working with calm and balance in compositions and with typography. Calm is also about being perceptive and listening, understanding the surrounding world and its components to be able to distill them.
Vulnerable, as a person, but also in my work. Daring to explore parts that might fail and overcome that. Dare to expose my sides that has caused me pain and self-loathing and learning to accept them instead. I also love making stuff that makes people feel something. Visualizations and messages that exposes vulnerabilities.
Design development
Some storyboard sketches, some of these scenes were filmed but felt to “acted out” so to speak. I didn’t want to act I just wanted to transfer some feelings, an atmosphere.
There are also some layers for interpretation in the sound, the music being Aphex Twin – a creative weirdo everyone loves. And the voice is a sample from the film Annihiliation and the character Dr Ventress. I choose that because I really like Alex Garland the way he in his work often depicts existential concepts pretty close to as I perceive them. Usually with calm resignation and often in sci-fi contexts, which I love. I would really like to work like that as well. And Dr Ventress was an obvious choice from Garlands movies since she is a character I can really relate to, a crass and tired realist. As well — even if I don’t fully agree with the quote in the sample, I am really attracted to the idea of us as primitive destructive forces. It felt suitable to this weeks task.
Final Outcome
Reflection
Even if I have taken control of my visualization and my narrative, the one thing I am concerned about is others misinterpreting and projecting their own ideas onto mine. I don’t know if was a good idea making a film out of this I just had a feeling and went for it. I actually did a folder first, but the result of those sketches felt fragile, rather than vulnerable which is not at all how I see myself. That was when I moved on to the film and using Leviathan as framework.
After finishing it I posted it on the ideas wall, but then regretted even making it, removed from wall and instead spent 3 days sort of paralyzed with embarrassment over myself. One of the women in the moodboard for “Control” is a Swedish author – Tone Schunnesson, whom I love so much for her unapologetic way of being, talking and writing. BUT she also sometimes say “isn’t it embarrassing to just exist?” and I always feel the exact same way after producing something and specially if I have incorporated myself in it. In those cases I just feel like the whole humanity is painfully embarrassing and I am the worst of us all. And now–after producing this, everyone else knows that as well.
Reading The Trajectory of the Self, one thing I reflected upon was the quote “The self essentially becomes broken up–that individuals tend to develop multiple selves in which there is no inner core or self-identity” the author is connecting this to adapting ones demeanour in different contexts, but where does those expectations on our demeanour come from? Norms and social constructs? Based on what? Unspoken rules for looks and behavior, a contract between us effectively regulating us, some more than others. All of that is exhausting and perhaps, let’s be honest, a bit embarrassing after all?
Xoxo your Leviathan
Ideas wall
References
Röyksopp – What else is there
“Me in 20 Years”, Scene from Euphoria
Enter The Void – Intro Title Credit Sequence
Munck, Thomas, Conflict and Enlightenment: Print and political culture in Europe, 1635–1795 (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2019)
Giddens, Anthony, The Trajectory of the Self